Have you ever been afraid that the closer you get in your walk with Christ, the more trials and tests you have to endure? I feel like in the past the closer I get something happens that drops me to my knees.
In Psalm 26 David tells God "Put me on trial, Lord, and cross-examine me.Test my motives and my heart" Wow, I don't know about you, but this scares me... I know.. I know, fear is not of the Lord.
Many things, too hard to talk about had made me cling to the cross and the promise that He would see me through the storm. After my mom died I held on to my faith for my life.
Last Christmas was my first Christmas without her. It was so hard, but with everything I had I pressed on as instructed by Paul!! But this year my brother died. It has rocked my faith and sent my walk into a tailspin. He was only 37, and was a single dad. The questions were screaming in my head. Throughout his illness I held on to the fact that God could do the impossible, that He had a plan, and my brother could be saved. Through that miracle, my entire family would see Christ and His miraculous power to save.
But instead, David was taken. While I should fhave felt comfort knowing that he is sitting at the foot of the most Holy of Holies, and that my mom and sister has welcomed him to the kingdom, all I felt was emptiness.
I tried to run from God this time, afraid of the pain and anger. But running is not working. The fear of not having Him is worse than any pain I have ever felt. The fear that I may be complacent just long enough for Him to decide to stop pricking my spirit is overwelming.
Last week I decided whether I feel it or not, I am dealing with it. It was so much harder than just praying that He would heal my broken heart. I realize today that I have to play a part in the healing process. It will require work on my part, I need to be in the word. How can I expect to heal if I am not reading of Him and the desire He has that I have joy. And that is another thing... It says in Peter that the Devil has come to steal kill and destroy.. I am handing my joy to him on a silver platter!! No way is it going to be that easy!!
So, this Christmas I want one thing, and that is to be at peace with the fact that I can't possibly know the answers, but that "All things work together for the good for those who love the Lord".
So, give it your best shot satan, because once again... you lose!